How to Get Free RAM for Your Laptop

Step 1

I had been playing Civilization 5 for several turns as Austria when I realized that my gold income was at a rate far lower than I had desired. While I was rife with the strategic resource of Horses, my lack of heavy-hitting exchange partners was nil. And this stalled my diplomatic plan of requesting marriage with other City-States. I had read online that RAM is supposed to be the single most important boost to your computer. Considering my economic situation on Civ5, increasing my RAM then seem to be the only logical solution at the time for boosting my gold.

Step 2

Unfortunately, my real-life financial situation mirrored that of my burgeoning Civ5 empire. As such, I made a tribute to Google—the all-knowing Oracle in the far-away Amazon rainforest—with an Apple for a possible solution. Upon entering my search query for “Upgrading RAM,” I unfortunately came across only monetary-based websites. Undaunted, however, I modified my search term for “Free RAM” and came across a seemingly reputable site that not only had free RAM, but free RAM for download. Great! Now I don’t even have to wait 2-3 weeks for shipping and can continue to conquer the known world on Civ5 even today.

Step 3

In order to download the RAM, I needed to include my address, credit card information, bank account information, and social security number. Usually only important institutions care about this information. Banks, employers, that Nigerian prince I met online, all these kind of things. What a legitimate site—they must really value my security. I guess with something as great as downloadable RAM, this is justified. However, Pumpkin, my fat-ass orange cat, decided to lay on the keyboard halfway through the order process.

Step 4

With Pumpkin snug as a bug on his heated rug that is my laptop, I needed to find a makeshift way to increase my RAM stat. Wittenberg had just become allies with my nearby rival Germany and I hardly have the units or gold to influence that growing man-love. I figured 4GB RAM would do the trick—4 of course being the most logical number as it allowed for former Packer's quarterback Brett Favre to ascend to greatness. If Austria had a NFL player's moxie, minus its sexual urges, it would definitely be Brett Favre.

Step 5

Looking around my room, I noticed my other cat Cinnamon peering in from the hallway. Cinnamon more often was the cat that plumply sat on my laptop, and I feared that jealousy on his part over Pumpkin's now perch would prompt a literal cat fight. I couldn't have this today: Austria was waiting. I scanned my room, and immediately spotted a pen and paper. I instantaneously realized that if I could download my own RAM, then I could make my own RAM. I immediately got to work.

Step 6

Now admittedly I don't know much about hardware. Yet having decided on needing 4GB RAM proved to be a valuable signpost in the process of my eventual engineering intuitiveness. I eventually decoded that 4GB RAM could be a transliteration for four rams (male sheep or whatever) who were from Great Britain. Having witnessed the bribe-infested move of the St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles, and having been to London once before, I deemed myself an expert, and proceeded to create my necessary hardware on the paper.

Step 7

Upon finishing, I picked up Pumpkin and plopped him on the floor. The doughy bastard scuttled off into the hallway, avoiding any confrontation with Cinnamon, who became more intrigued with a Hot Pocket-stained paper plate on the floor near my desk. I placed my 4GB RAM under my computer. After restarting my computer and resuming play, I found a trade partner for my Horses, and bought Wittenberg from that bastard Germany in the next 20 turns.

Lifehack success!